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Trainspotting adapted from Irvine Welsh's novel and made by the Shallow Grave team of writer John Hedge, producer Andrew Macdonald, and director Danny Boyle, giving us characters and moments that are unforgettable. Ewan McGregor plays Renton, an on-and-off heroin addict who can not decide whether to clean up or regress in the company of his loser friends in working-class Edinburgh, and later in London. The film was produced in 1996.

Trainspotting in reality refers to a session of dark linear mark or track that is left in the veins after shooting heroin. The first thing is that heroin users mainline along their arms and inject up and down on the main vein. "Station to station," they call it. For addicts, everything narrows down to that one goal of getting drugs. "Trainspotters" are like that, obsessively taking down the numbers of trains.

The five main actors in this film are all males and with a life threatening drug habit. Trainspotting can be classified under four different types of film genre including: drama, comedy, crime and drug culture. "Trainspotting" is classified as drama since it is a serious story due to the drug habit and several scenes that showed the real lives of junkies, and graphic images of injecting heroin. On the other hand it can be classified as comedy especially when Spud goes to an interview high on speed and other funny moments that are there to lighten up the seriousness of the film. This can be classified as black humour. Surely Trainspotting can also be out under the crime and drug culture genre due to the story in itself and the characters This film gives us a very vivid and real picture of a heroin addict's every day routine.'Choose Life … 'the film's most famous quote means a lot. Those portrayed in Trainspotting are the ones that need to understand choosing life; they are the ones that this phrase was penned for and who are these people living a life less ordinary? They are addicts in Scotland, living lives that are synchronized around getting what they need. For three of them, heroin is their mode of addiction, for another passivity, and for the last aggression. They are a mad quintet, pissing away lives that could maybe amount to something.

In the beginning as we are introduced to our humble narrator Renton (McGregor). We can see that he is on a road to nowhere, stealing CDs from a shop in hopes of making a little cash to pay for the next hit. His home away from home is a drug dealer's apartment (Mother Superior) where he is issued a regular platter of needle, spoon, lighter, and heroin beside his best mates Sick Boy (Miller) and Spud (Bremner). They are as troublesome as he is, though Spud is helpless in his addiction while Sick Boy is just there to compare metaphorical sizes.

Movies about drug addiction are certainly nothing new, but this film makes everything look different, almost like it is the first film to deal with the subject. Trainspotting is brave and frequently hilarious; it's dark, smart and stubborn. It's more than one of the best 'drug movies' ever made; it's arguably the finest film to come out of the UK

Ewan McGregor plays the main character; Mark Renton. He introduces the film Trainspotting with an extremely energetic scene, the former scene accompanied by Iggy Pop's 'Lust for Life', along with Renton's sarcastic narration, which rejects our weak, mechanical existence in favour of the joys of heroin. Iggy pop is Renton's hero. He even has a poster of him in his room. When he goes clubbing, we notice that his heroin habit has been going on for a long time as he does not recognize any of the new songs at the club. Diane makes him notice this, and Renton starts to realize that heroin has taken so much out of his life.

"People associate it with misery, desperation and death, which is not to be ignored. But what they forget is the pleasure of it, otherwise we would not do it" He is undoubtedly appalled by society and the materialistic satisfactions it offers. He later compares heroin: 'imagine the best orgasm you ever had and multiply it by a thousand and you're not even there' However, after a few minutes into the film he decides to quit heroin. The viewers may conclude that it is time to move on in life, yet he could not live life without heroin as we see through out the film his various unsuccessful trials at quitting his habit

Renton has a serious drug habit, and due to his unemployment must sustain is by shoplifting and petty theft. When he was on methadone, he had his 'last hit' and this resulted in an overdose. This simply shows an effort to avoid being compliant. In fact, it is this determined attitude which possibly explains heroin's over Renton. He states, "We'd inject Vitamin C if they made it illegal"

Even though he manages to kicked his heroin addiction and starts a new life in London, his old circle of friends are not easy to get rid of and Renton ends up getting involved in a drug deal, and sells 4 kilos of heroin with his' so -called 'friends. Towards the end of the film, he betrays the others by escaping with the money. This shows the viewers that he decided to 'choose life', be 'just like us' which is a doubtful aim; the qualities of which the film questions the whole time

Renton is dreamy, sharp, troubled, and calm, seemingly all at the same time, and you never know where you are with him, as he never knows where he is with himself. It's an understated portrayal of an essentially rootless character – yet a magnetic one.

Johnny Lee Miller plays the part of Sick Boy who is portrayed as a handsome guy who has the habit of talking nonsense and bombarding his mates with trivia about Sean Connery. He is a womanizing James Bond wannabe, who is highly intelligent. Sick Boy is the one who seems least affected by his heroin habit. In fact, when Renton tries to quit heroin, Sick boy does the same just to spite him In the film Trainspotting Sick boy is the one who trivializes heroin and seems to have no problems with his addiction contrary to the rest of the crew.

"The film only touches on the question of how far his persona is genuine or just social camouflage". Sick Boy's behaviour in the final parts of the film show how the death of his baby has affected him and made him more crime prone. He starts to deal in drugs, pimping and becomes an all round con. Renton states that when Sick Boy's child passed away, something inside Sickboy must have died and never came back.

Later in the film, Renton escapes to London to start a new life, while Sick Boy and the rest of his friends remain in the Scottish capital. When he visits Renton unexpectedly, he immediately sells Renton's television without consent and he also offers to sell Renton's passport. Sickboy is so fixated with his new criminal career that he never even bothers to think about Renton's feelings. "He becomes obsessed with developing useful contacts for that elusive 'big deal', and sticks a finger in any pie on offer" He becomes a manipulative pimp and drug-pusher at every opportunity and would not hesitate about taking advantage and manipulating anyone for the purpose of self-advancement. All through out this ordeal Sick boy remains as vain as always.

Tommy, played by Kevin McKidd, contrasts vividly with the other main characters. He is portrayed as athletic, finding pleasure walking in the countryside, weight lifting and watching football rather than making use of drugs. As the film progresses, there is a drastic change in Tommy, turning him into the worst of the bunch with a "rapid and fatal" descent.

Tommy's relationship with his girlfriend Lizzie does not seem to be progressing well. The strain of finding their homemade porn film missing because Renton "borrowed" is the final straw for Lizzie and breaks off the relationship. When his efforts to patch up his relationship fail, Tommy falls in a depression and resorts to drugs. Sadly enough (black comedy), it is Lizzie, the very person whom Tommy loves that causes his death. With the increased use of heroin, Tommy contacts HIV. His initially clean and tidy apartment becomes filthy. His final tentative to regain Lizzie sees him getting her a kitten, which she refuses. Tommy is found dead due to an infection from the kitten's faeces. This has a social connotation as HIV and AIDS due to heroin abuse was on the increase and booming in 1996.

Clarke considers this character's story helps to create an ethical perspective in this film, giving the audience something to think about. Anyone can fall victim to drug abuse, even youths considered as 'good'. Clark states that Tommy is portrayed as free from drugs on film whereas makes use of amphetamines in Irvine Welsh's novel. This could be credited to the fact that certain individuals would prefer watching the film rather than reading the book thus the message has to be harsher to get across. The same can be said of Tommy's behind-the-scene drug use. As the film proceeds, Tommy's health aggravates thus shocking the audience. In the end, without Lizzie, Tommy "chose not to choose life" but heroin and death.

Begbie considers himself better than any of the rest. This is seen clearly when he lectures his friends after Renton narrowly escapes imprisonment, and trys to appear mature in front of Renton's parents and when he claims that never would he "poison" himself with chemicals. Alcohol can also be considered as a harmful chemical to the body, but Begbie does not see it as such. Begbie takes a commanding attitude when with his friends, for example in the final pub fight scene when he orders Renton to bring him a cigarette or during the hallucination scenes as well as during his stay with Renton in England.

Spud, the "amiable, childlike loser" as described by Clarke, is played by Ewen Bremner. Clarke considers Spud's life as brimming with wrong choices, including his choice of drugs which is considered unsuitable to his weak character. During his six-week relationship with Gail, they never had sex. On the night she wanted to have sex with him, Spud was too drunk to do anything. On awaking in Gail's bed the following morning, he finds the sheets soiled. Spud's bowel contents end up smeared on Gail and her parents whilst eating breakfast.

Clarke compares other scenes from the film. Spud gets incarcerated for shoplifting while Renton emerges practically scot-free. Similarly, Diane sees Spud lying intoxicated under the pavement during the letter scene whilst the others appear lucid. Also, despite various threats, Spud is the only member of the group to be injured by Begbie. Nonetheless, it is inevitable for everyone to love Spud. The audience sympathise with him. Renton wishes he ended in prison instead of his friend. In the end, he leaves money only for Spud because he pities him.

Kelly Macdonald starring as Diane is young but wise beyond her actual years. This is shown especially when she deals with men. At first, Renton sees her at a nightclub rejecting the advances of a man by drinking both drinks and leaving, and secondly when Renton approaches her outside the club and responds to his weak chat with a coldly cruel speech that leaves him completely dejected. However, when she leaves the taxi door open for Renton to go in, it becomes clear that the negative response may have been purely a tool to create sexual power over him.

Later in the film, after a night of passion with Renton in her bedroom, Renton and the audience are amused and disturbed to see Diane changing from her silver dress into her school uniform. The audience understands the position Renton has found himself in. He ought to escape from this situation or else face the consequences since she is underage. However, Diane has once again the power over Renton in this situation because if she tells the police, Renton will face prison. She knows the law and blackmails him to meet her again. Diane also seems to be more knowledgeable about modern culture. In fact she emphasizes that shooting heroin, listening to Iggy Pop and the fact that Renton and the main protagonists are still in Edinburgh are outdated, "Times are changing, music is changing, even drugs are changing".

Establishing sexual power over men is also seen in other women in the film. In a nutshell, Trainspotting's male characters are ready to drop their usual secure façade and jeopardize embarrassment to fulfill their sexuality. The women in Trainspotting seem to be more than happy to coerce. For instance Spud's girlfriend refused to sleep with Spud during their six-week relationship but she later admitted to Lizzy that she wants to sleep with Spud yet she loves watching him suffer. Lizzy is also seen as ridiculing and sexually controlling her men. She would not deny herself from having sex with Tommy since it is her only pleasure she gets from him. However, later in the film, when Thomas could not find the highly intimate private video, Lizzy was ashamed. She was so furious with him that she left him.

Alison, played by Susan Vidler, is a typical drug-craving mother. She is self-centred, completely neglecting her daughter. When the baby is found dead in her cot, Renton narrates that they did not know who father her baby. This furthers the belief that she is quite immature and lacking in morals, having sexual contact with all male members of the group. On discovering her daughter's death, one of her initial reactions is to take heroin.

Mother superior is the group's heroin provider. Although he is seen administering the drug to the friends, he himself is never viewed making use of it. Mother superior can not be considered completely as friend to them because he ultimately wants money for the drugs he provides. However, when Renton overdoses, Mother superior calls for a taxi and provides money for it. This can be interpreted as a friendly gesture but also as helping Renton to avoid getting in trouble. Mother superior knows the different characters of the group. This can indicate that they have all be using drugs for quite a while, thus frequenting Mother superior's place often. During the film, the characters are seen shoplifting to sustain their drug habit. The need to steal might have been initiated by Mother superior demanding hard cash.

The bond Renton has with his friends is just the common goal of shooting the next hit. When he is not on drugs he has to face reality, which is, maintaining relationships, meeting girls and everyday responsibilities. The film portrays what seems to be united group. However, there is a fear of Begbie because of his violence and alcoholic tendencies as well as him being the older of the lot. Sickboy, Renton, Spud and later on in the film Tommy all have a heroin addiction, thus their preferred method to solve problems is taking a hit. Begbie solves his by drinking and fighting. The group share stolen money and tend to shoplift in groups. When they go to the clubs, they party together. Still, in the end Renton calls the rest of the group "so-called friends".

The relationship between Renton and Spud can be thought of the best within the characters. As mentioned before, Renton can not help liking Spud. Renton is seen giving his friend hints before Spud's job interview. Even though it is considered wrong, Renton offers Spud some speed to put him at easy. When both of them are caught shoplifting, Renton wishes he went to prison instead of Spud. In the same scene, he admits feeling lonely, although being surrounded with family and friends. At the end of the film, Renton felt sorry for Spud because he never harmed anyone or said a bad word about his friends. Thus, he left money only to Spud. This relationship is further supported by the fact that Renton asks Spud if they would take the money and go. Renton could have more easily grabbed the bag and left before Spud would have reacted in any way.

Renton has a good relationship with Tommy as well, thinking of him as one of his best friends. Tommy also considers Renton a friend by confiding with him the problems he had with Lizzie. Renton felt sorry for Tommy when he found his HIV positive friend living in a horrible, filthy apartment. He tried to make amends by giving money to Tommy to pay the rent. This relationship is somewhat ironic because Tommy's downfall is caused by Renton when he stole Tommy and Lizzy's video. From the beginning, Renton and Sickboy's relationship does not seem strong. Renton is slightly jealous of Sickboy. This impression is born by the fact that Sickboy can easily overcome heroin just because Renton is trying to quit. Sickboy does not seem to have any problems dating girls in the disco scene whereas Renton did not like the females around him, except for Diane. Towards the end of the film, Renton states that Sickboy would betray him off as well if he thought about it first. Sickboy himself admits the fact.

Spud and Tommy are seen alone talking about sex a highly private issue since they both have a girlfriend. Their girlfriends also seem to be in confidence with each other. They are comfortable sharing problems: Spud – no sex in a six-week relationship; Tommy – forgetting Lizzy's birthday. He had a ticket for Iggy Pop for the same night. When Tommy dies, Spud sings him a song. This little act shows how much Spud cared for Tommy. Begbie's relationship with Renton is slightly contradictory. Begbie trusts Renton enough to confide with him when he went out with a transsexual without knowing at first. However, Begbie threatens Renton on several occasions, his aggressive nature taking over all emotions. Renton pleases Begbie mainly because he fears him. Renton tries not to oppose Begbie because he is "a psycho" At the end of the film Renton states that he did not care that he betrayed Begbie.

The relationship portrayed between Mother superior and Renton can not be termed as a friendship because ultimately Mother Superior's business consists of selling drugs to Renton and the rest of the group. Still their relationship runs deeper than the normal dealer-user relationship. Mother superior could have easily dumped Renton somewhere instead of calling a taxi to take him to hospital. However, some may doubt the gesture as generated due to friendship. The audience could believe that paying for the taxi is a little price to pay when compared to all the trouble Mother superior could get if found with a dead body.

Trainspotting could be described as conveying an anti-drugs message, which is portrayed through "character studies rather than a patronizing preach" This film presents its audience with more than one view of drug Throughout the film, the youth characters are frequently seen cooking heroin and injecting the latter into their bodies (, however it also portrays the pain, agony, melancholy and unhappiness that are derived from this drug addiction. One could say that this film is a warning about the fears and perils of drug addiction, mainly heroin addiction.

Trainspotting's anti-drug message mainly lies within the film's ability to illustrate and tackle the reason as to why young people are attracted to drugs. Furthermore the film's power and success into presenting the audience with the negative results, damage and consequences that derive from this type of addiction convey this anti-drugs message more clearly. The film portrays these negative results and damages constantly throughout the film. The film and its characters enter a world of neglect, dieing babies, AIDS, anxiety, depression, boredom and hopelessness. Moreover the other anti-drugs message that derives from this film "goes beyond causes and consequences in explaining that serious drug abuse is itself beyond cause and consequences: Renton asks," Who needs reasons when you've got heroin? ".

Trainspotting deals with the mid 80's heroin subculture of Edinburgh, "when Pakistani smack had glutted the UK market, becoming, for thousands of ordinary people mired in unemployment, a cheaper means to oblivion than alcohol". It analysis the likelihood of youth subcultures to surpass "their social class contect and form (ing) a class of their own" In this film even "nonravers" are portrayed as drug users, both in a literal sense ( "state-sanctioned chemicals like alcohol or tranquilizers ") and in a metaphorical sense (" TV, videos, computer games, the adrenaline rush of football violence ").

Hebdige (1979: 100) maintains that "style is an intentional communication." Barthes (ND) as cited in Hebdige (1979: 100), differentiates between "subcultural" and "normal styles." The subcultural style collects those insistent mixtures of clothing, music, jargon and so on, and nearly exhibits a corresponding connection to "the more conventional formulae (normal suits, ties, twin sets, etc.)". The clothes that individuals wear are selected within the constraint of preference, taste, cost etc. Such choices embrace a wide range of messages, which are communicated through the delicately assorted distinctions of a number of "interlocking sets" such as status, self-image and class. Subcultural styles distinguish themselves from normal styles as "they are fabricated and they display their own codes," and this is constantly portrayed throughout the film (Hebdige, 1979: 100-101). Through the clothes worn by the characters in the films, they are portraying the message that they do not belong to the "normal culture" but they belong to a class or subculture of their own; "I speak through my clothes" (Eco, 1973 as cited in Hebdige, 1979: 100).

Trainspotting can be described as dark humor, but junkies' world over priced the film heartily. It's a film that is mainly about people that do not want to belong. Trainspotting is not the first film about heroin, but the first one that is a 'slap in our faces are both the grim realities of life at the tip of a needle and a freewheeling, pop-music-fueled glorification of the addicts' smack- happy existence '.

The Trainspotting soundtrack was wildly successful in the international charts after the release of the film itself, in the 1990's. The music score is mainly composed of popular music. Sometimes the film takes the semblance of a music video, with conversation kept at a bare minimum. The scene and the soundtrack are complete and enough for the viewer to understand. This is used several times and for different purposes.

In the first ten minutes of the film, we are transfixed; watching as the anti hero Renton and Spud race through the streets and a voice over begins: "Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television; choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance…. "

This litany goes on and then we get a view of Renton lying in heroin stupor and the voice over ends with:

"But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?"

Accompanying this powerful scene is Iggy Pop's 'Lust for Life'. 'Lust for Life', in which the lyrics, are markedly subordinated to Renton's voice-over after the thumping opening few bars, so much so that the only lyrical fragments that can be heard are the opening line 'Here comes Johnny Yen again .. . 'and the choral refrain (' I gotta lust for life '). Incidentally, Iggy Pop is renowned for his past heroin abuse and is mentioned quite a lot in the film. The two eventually come to signify each other – Mark Renton is the central character of the film, and Iggy Pop is the most prominent artist on the soundtrack album. Iggy Pop's music also lends a sense of rebellion to the film. We can notice Iggy Pop's poster in one of the scenes too

Renton's knowledge of new music is limited and this is seen when they go clubbing. Renton is ill at ease; he has not been out for a long time and is not in touch with the current music scene. This is where we have the inclusion of the songs Born Slippy and 'For what you dream of'. All this shows how Renton has been so wrapped up into his heroin habit that he is totally put of touch. The only song Renton recognizes is a song originally by Blondie called "Atomic '(an 80's song). The shift in emphasis is evident in Trainspotting itself as, although the musical character of the score gradually shifts from the proto-punk of Iggy Pop through to the more recent waves of dance music

Some of the music was recorded purposely for the film. For example Pulp's "Mile End", which accompanies Mark Renton's moving into a London flat. The lyrics of the song describe the state of the flat he moves into:

"It smelt as if someone had died
The living room was full of flies.
The kitchen sink was blocked
The bathroom sink not there at all … "

Another song created by the group Leftfield for the film is ironically called 'The final Hit'. Throughout the film Renton takes many of his so called final hits. It is mainly an instrumental track, with harmonic chords which contrast with a dark, almost overpowering rhythm track. The contrast between harmony and rhythm may represent Mark Renton's mixed feelings at this point in the film – he desperately wants to give up heroin, but the feeling it gives him is too pleasurable.

As a whole the music used in the film is full of irony. For example when Renton is hallucinating that he is disappearing down the 'dirtiest toilet in Scotland', we hear a mellow piece of ambient music by Brian Eno, aptly called Deep Blue Day. The film takes a surreal twist here and we enter a world of soft sounds and images as Renton swims in a blue ocean. This all contrasts harshly with the reality of Renton digging into a filthy toilet to find his heroin suppositories, while he vomits uncontrollably

All of the songs in the soundtrack of Trainspotting have become significant to people who saw it and associate the songs to the film; to heroin. At this time, the term heroin chic was having great impact in the world. Heroin chic was a trend in the 90's that characterized the "thin, sickly look of junkies. Blank expression, waxy complexion, dark circles under the eyes, sunken cheeks, excessive thinness, greasy hair" were seen on runway models showing the 'heroin chic 'look and promoted in popular magazine and fashion circles as' chic'. This fragile, thin, and drug-addicted look was well-liked in the fashion world. In fact, in 1997 it was the basis of the advertising campaign of Calvin Klein. The heroin chic fashion provided debate and anti-drug groups protested. "Fashion designers, models such as Kate Moss and James King, and movies such as Trainspotting were blamed for glamorizing the heroin chic look and lifestyle"

Former US President Bill Clinton condemned the heroin chic look and the 'heroin chic' fashion photography for sending a message that using the drug is 'glamorous' and 'sexy'. He said, "You do not need to glamorize addiction to sell clothes." As he saw it, the glorification of heroin "is not creative. It is destructive. It is not beautiful. It is ugly. And this is not about art. It is about life and death. And glorifying death is not good for any society "Not surprisingly much of the mainstream press and the dailies were horrified by the apparent glorification of heroin use in the film Trainspotting. Junkies were presented as righteous heroes choosing freedom over the tyranny of consumer society. Suddenly all values ​​were inverted as viewers and readers were invited to identify and empathise with low-lifes who would think nothing of spending all day watching telly and shooting heroin. Trainspotting helped a new morbid fascination with the drug heroin by portraying powerful role models in the movie. For years heroin has been very popular in the lives of young celebrities for example River Phoenix (who died of an overdose in 1992).

Trainspotting was a great hit and could be seen of more than advertisement than a film. Even years after the film was released, the film about heroin addiction is was of the best marketed films that portrays cultural images of the heroin subcultures. Trainspotting has received a cult following. The film addresses both the problems of heroin addiction from a user point of view to an anti-drug point of view. Trainspotting manages to shock us, terrify and disgust us one moment and make us laugh the next. Trainspotting does not really have a plot but simply follow the daily lives of this group of junkies

Drugs are the main focus of this film. In the 1990's a new wave of music and drugs started to emerge. Heroin was seen as old-fashioned (Iggy Pop). With the film Trainspotting heroin was given the spotlight. Characters like Sick Boy and Renton became idols for rebellious teenagers who wanted to experiment in drugs, felt disillusioned, unattached from society. Trainspotting became the bible to this new generation of heroin junkies. They had a soundtrack and idols to emulate. On the other hand one could have viewed the film as it is; an ironic and cynical peep hole into the lives of a group of heroin addicts. The tragedy of the film is apparent to the viewer, but than it is up to the individual to interpret it.

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Source by Sue Micallef

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Keeping a self-esteem diary is a great self-esteem exercise that keeps your self-esteem high every day. You will only spend a couple of minutes every day and you will keep focused on the positive aspects of your life and on what you want.

Get a notebook. I suggest that you write in it at the same time every day so that it becomes a habit for you. I write in the evening before I go to be, but you may choose some other time that works better for you. Write down a few points under each of the following headings:

GOOD
Write down the things that you did today that "proves" that you are a wonderful person. Perhaps you completed some important work, helped a friend, listened patiently to your mother complaining or chose fruit instead of chocolate. Anything that shows that you have a wonderful personality is good. If you want to, you can add a short summary after each point. These summarie should explain what the action you made means about your personality.

For example it can look something like this:

helped my friend with her essay – helpful
finished all my reports in one hour – efficient
solved the sudoku that my brother had given up with – intelligent

By adding these short explanations, you will practise presenting yourself and thinking about yourself in positive words. This is very good self-esteem practise!

THANK YOU
Write down some of the things that you feel grateful for at the moment. It could be that the you found cheap strawberries in the supermarket, that you have amazing friends, that the telephone bill was unusually low, that you feel healthy etc. Writing down what you are grateful for is a good practise for focusing on the positive aspects of your life, and this helps you to develop self-esteem.

WANT
Write down what you want. You can write down either things that you want right now or things that you want in the long-term. Maybe you want a well-paid job, appreciation for helping your friends to clean their flat, improve your Italian, good results in the exam tomorrow or something else. It is good to force yourself to write down what you want because in many cases you may not really know what it is that you want. If you do not know exactly what you want you will probably not get it. Also, even if you figure out what you want one day you need to keep reminding yourself of it. Keeping a self-esteem diary is a handy way of doing this.

Enjoy the self-esteem writing!

Liv Miyagawa – The Self-Esteem Coach.

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Source by Liv Miyagawa

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"Why am I still single?"

This question plagues just about every woman who comes to Dating With Dignity for coaching. Invariably, before coming to me for help, she has asked this same question of her girlfriends, her mother, her best male friend, and even her therapist. More often than not, when a woman comes to me for coaching, she has enjoyed success in so many other areas of her life, but has been unsuccessful at finding and / or keeping a loving relationship; and she is, to put it simply, mystified.

"It does not make sense," she declares. "Why?" she asks again. "Why am I STILL single?"

If you are asking yourself-and your friends, family, and mental health professionals-this question, I can help. The first step is examining the often contradictory and self-defeating beliefs that lie deep in your heart-beliefs you may not have admitted to yourself, let alone anyone else. These beliefs are likely the biggest obstacles standing between you and the relationship you desire. Once you've uncovered these beliefs, you'll be ready to shed the "It does not make sense" mantra and get on with making the changes necessary to find

the relationship of your dreams.

So, Why Are You Still Single?

For starters, it is likely that you have carried the lessons you learned from past relationships and childhood right into today, and this unconscious junk is now hindering your ability to attract the right kind of man-a man who is capable of engaging in a healthy dating process and, ultimately, committing to a relationship. Here are a few of the reasons a typical female client of mine might uncover:

• Her "limiting beliefs" are so unconscious that she believes they are the truth.
• She believes she has to protect herself.
• She does not trust men, and she feels that she has to fight to get what she wants.
• She needs to be right, and most often she does not even realize that this is affecting nearly all of her conversations and relationships.
• She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and is in a constant state of worry.
• She does not respond. She reacts.

The good news is that, once you've uncovered your own truths, real and lasting change is possible. With a little work, you can adopt an entirely new set of beliefs and attitudes that can help you get the relationship you want and deserve.

Meet Linda. Linda was in her mid-thirties when she came to me. She felt worthless, hopeless, and tired of meaningless hookups. She did not love herself, or even see herself as worthy of dating a man who would treat her like a queen. After working with me in group coaching and doing other relationship-readiness work, Linda is now dating amazing men-the kind of men she used to be afraid to even talk to. She is so confident in her new life that she chose to leave one special man behind in her hometown (something she would never have done in the past) to pursue a dream job opportunity abroad, knowing that it is important for her to create the life she loves now, and confident in her belief that if he is "The One," he will be there when she returns. Linda is happy, relaxed, extremely satisfied with her life, and looking forward to discovering what the future holds.

Meet Sheryl. Sheryl is in her mid-fifties and is soon to be an empty-nester. Sheryl is successful at work and has been divorced for six years. She has never dated much, instead focusing most of her attention on her children and creating an independent life-something she did not have when she was in her unhealthy marriage. Sheryl came to me because she knew that it was finally HER time, but she was terrified that if she entered into a relationship she would lose everything she had worked so hard to create. Through both group coaching classes and private coaching sessions, Sheryl realized that she had been so busy trying to control, create, and manage her life as a single mom that she did not even realize that she was unable to accept love, help, or generosity. She had a heavy heart and was terrified of dating. Through our work together, Sheryl learned to relax, enjoy her life, and receive all sorts of love and attention. She learned to stop working so hard and to instead allow things to unfold. In just a few months, Sheryl was able to accomplish more of the things on her to-do list than she ever had before-and all without stress. She dramatically improved her relationships with her children and embarked on a trip she had long dreamed of taking. She began to know herself, trust her own judgment, and feel deeply. Sheryl now feels that she is truly ready to embark on a new era of her journey that includes dating.

The common lesson in these two stories is this: We are not broken. We do not need to be fixed. The truth is, however, that many of us wear masks-learned default patterns or habits-that help us to feel safe and get by, but also keep us stuck. But we are much more than our bad habits or default tendencies. If you choose to remove the mask, anything is possible. By committing to developing a perfect blend of skills, intention, and action, you can have the life you've dreamed of. What actions will you take today to begin living an authentic life? How will you choose to live a life free from the trap of self-protection? What will you do to ensure that your future is more than just a repeat of your past?

Take time today to choose to live life as the blank canvas it is. You are the artist and director. Be bold, take a risk, and let go. The results will be nothing short of miraculous.

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Source by Marni Battista

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I found when I was much younger it was quite easy to get involved in games like Dungeons and Dragons where your character has a background that you create and they are as customisable as you want to make them. I also found it extremely easy to get into a roleplaying stereotype.

One day I spent a lot of time going through people's text game backgrounds and histories and found the most common ones to date (remember that not a lot of people stick to a roleplay they originally set for their character.) They are:

Abandoned by Mother / Father

This classic roleplay type plays on the story that they were abandoned by a member of their family. This is not to say that only their mother / father would be the one abandoning, but they are the most common. Father had to go to war and never came back, whilst the mother turned to the streets to feed all the hungry mouths and just one day never returned. This makes perfect roleplay for a typical loner, do-not-trust-anyone character type. If you're okay not having a lot of friends and roleplaying the lone ranger in a text game, it is quite a good choice.

Remember that this character has abandonment issues. They feel like everyone around them in the MUD is setting them up for the ultimate let down. Your character will likely get emotional easy and often overreact to someone being gone for even the shortest period of time.

Betrayed by a Lover / Friend

This roleplay personality comes from any typical Romance novel you have read where the heroine / hero must rise above his mistrust in the opposite sex. Either they had a relationship go sour or they were dropped off in the middle of nowhere with no shoes to walk home on, or they were left to foot a bill they did not have the cash for. Either way, this type is quite an easy role to sit into when roleplaying.

Your character will probably be weary of everyone. in the text game Your character tends to get emotional quickly, but anger is their tool of choice. This is a good character type to pick up if you have played a lot of JRPGs, as this tends to be common.

The Lone Ranger

This roleplay personality delves from all of the old Wild West films. This character is the bad boy in all respects, tends to scoff at the law and generally woos women and / or men quite easily! They give off this aura of naughtiness that most people want to make the attempt to 'tame' them. It's an easy character to pull off in a text game if you do not want to roleplay at someone, but you want people to come to you. This, however, comes with its' own obvious challenges.

Remember that your character often does not ask for things, he tells. Your character will roll into town on either a steed or his own worn out leather boots and pick apart the other people surrounding him in the text game with a quick wit and honest tongue. Most thieves will play this part, because they do not take any nonsense from anyone and could care less about making friends.

The Misunderstood Soft-Hearted Shmuck

This character is often played by a lot of younger kids who come into the text game roleplaying environment a little green. They do not want to step on the toes of any individuals but they do want to try to roleplay something, even if it means they tend to annoy everyone else in the text game more than anything. This character tends to be overly forgiving and not really one with a backbone.

In order to roleplay this character you need to really turn off your trigger switch for angry / happy. You need to generally throw yourself into everyone's conversations without needing context and have the innate ability to answer any question asked even if it is not directed at you.

The best thing to do when roleplaying in a text game is to generally avoid the stereotypes. Try to create your own roleplay and make your character as if he is a living, breathing entity – not a familiar tale borrowed from somewhere else. Perhaps do a T-chart of what his / her likes or dislikes are.

Also remember that your character should always be separate from you so that you can really have fun with events and people. Just because your favourite colour is blue does not mean your character's favourite colour has to be blue. Really work with things that are given to you and be sure to try and remember everything that happens!

Here are a few examples I have of how to create your character while you're playing in the text game!

Keep a journal of everything that happens. This is the easiest way to remember names while you are getting started in the roleplaying world. Did someone give you a necklace? Take note of the name.

Stick with a choice you make. I had a character that hated the colour yellow because it was her sister's favourite colour. She would not accept daffodils as presents and scorned it when a lover or someone attempted to give her yellow-coloured clothing. They had a reason for the hatred and she stuck with it!

Have reasons for why you do things. If someone tells you to do something you feel your character would not do, do not do it – even if you're friends with said person out of character. Why would a priest be friends with a necromancer? Just because you met them once and they helped you out does not mean you'll be best buddies. You need a motivation. If someone raids your city during the day, do not go hunting with them at night! It reflects poorly on your roleplaying abilities.

Refrain from giving out of character reasoning for anything. "Please give my friend back his stuff because he went to the bathroom and left his character logged in." I'm sorry, but you need to be held accountable for your actions and anything you do inside of a roleplaying world is considered in character. Man up to your mistakes and take responsibility. Do not let it happen again.

My advice in the end is to make a character as if they are a real person. Yes, people change but it will take a drastic event to cause someone to go from truly evil to truly good. Always have a reason for why you are doing things with your character, even if you will never tell anyone this reason. Every character needs a motivation! Choose yours and stick with it!

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Source by Alyissa Pickering

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Since the dawn of Man, men have racked their brains to figure out how to make themselves more appealing and desired by women. After all, what of life's many treasures is more fantastic and rewarding than the love of a wonderful woman? Really, there is none. Men should stop racking their brains over this dilemma. Truly, the simplest way to attract women is to just listen to Mother Nature …

That's right, Mother Nature Knows Best.

Here's a simple question: Why do women unconsciously wear shorter skirts when they are ovulating …?

The simple answer: Because they are fertile and want to attract a mate.

Another simple question: Why do men find the 36-24-36 ratio to be the most sexy and attractive …?

The answer is: Because it relays to the man that she will have greater success for reproducing children.

And the list goes on and on … The sad fact is that such simple and natural instinctions are seldom taught in sexology classes. Yet, such simple concepts are the basis of human attraction and sexuality.

The fact is that men and women are attracted to other men and women for a variety of reasons.

One very important factor being the "biological" or "Mother Nature" factor of ensuring the human race survives through reproduction. After all, that is our main biological goal and the only way to ensure IMMORTALITY for ourselves and for the human race.

My best friend in High School was an average sort of person. Nothing extraordinary. Just an average guy like everyone else and me. Nothing to really write home about …

But he had more women after him than I or anyone else could possibly understand. He was not suave, cool, or sophisticated; he did not drive a Porsche, and he was not some sexual Adonis with a Movie-Star face …

He was just like the rest of us, really …

We shall call him, "Robert."

More on him later …

Back to Attractiveness and Mother Nature:

The fact is that many men and women are drawn or attracted to a certain person for reasons that most of us truly do not understand and usually do not care to understand. We do not analyze it too much because these "feelings" are so natural and feel-so-right, that we embrace them openly and warmly.

Why are these attractions so "natural" and pleasant? What are the reasons for how we may feel in these circumstances?

Well, sometimes our attraction could be because a certain person unconsciously reminds us of someone we were close to before. It could be that simple. Or, possibly, there could be even deeper meanings … Did you know that a woman is more likely to be attracted to a man if he wears the same cologne or uses the same soap that her father did when she was growing up .. .? Yes, it's true. If her father was a car mechanic and you want to get her to like you, you'd better start changing your own oil instead of taking your car to a lube shop. When she smells that oil on your body it will trigger unconscious responses of her father. Chances are, her father is her "vision" of what a "real" man is like. And do not forget, too … Olfaction (smell) is the sense that is most closely linked to memory …

Women are not the only ones … Did you know that a man will be more unconsciously attracted to women with the same hair color of the woman that was closest to him (apart from his mother) as an infant? Such as a nurse or baby sitter …

Yes, it's true. Now you might know why you are so crazy about red-heads and never knew why.

Mother Nature is to blame … Well, not really to blame. It's just how we are biological wired. Once one begins to learn the most basic methods of how we act, love, desire, and survive, then it's all really pretty simple.

That's why such attractions FEEL so Natural – Because it is Mother Nature's hands at work!

You might be thinking this is fine and wonderful … But you're probably not too impressed. After all, you've never met the father of the girl you have your heart set on and hardly know what type of shaving cream he uses. Good point, but do not despair. There are many (m) other ways of tapping into these natural instincts. Some are so surprisingly simple; so much so that they will seem almost too far-fetched to believe.

For example: A scientific study was conducted in Spain with women and their sexual attractiveness to men. A series of unknown men were shown to a series of women. The women could see the men but knew nothing about them. There was nothing the women knew about the men except that they could see them, fully clothed.

The women were then asked to make a list of the men that they felt were the most appealing and attractive. The women made up their minds and made out their lists; from the most attractive men to the least attractive.

The scientists then took sperm samples from all of the men.

When the number of sperm and the health of the sperm was calculated; this data was then compared to the list of men that the women felt to be the most attractive …

The results were very surprising:

The women found the men with the highest number of sperm and the healthiest sperm to be the most attractive.

Sound Impossible?

Nope. It's Mother Nature at Work, again.

Women can unconsciously pick up on whether a man has a high or low sperm count because of Mother Nature. Believe it or not. Scientific studies prove so. But why would women be attracted to a man who has such super sperm?

Well, you see, if a man has a higher sperm count, that means that he will be better able to father children …

This means that he is, truly, more of a "MAN."

Yes.

Call it Women's Intuition …

Or chalk another one up for Mother Nature …

And you thought that new Sports Car might help you out with the ladies …

Men, if you are serious about making yourselves more attractive to women then throw out your pheromones, donate your books on fancy pick-up lines to the library, stop watching videos on how to become a "player," and start increasing the health and number of your sperm.

Hey, trust me, any guy can do it and it's easier than spending hours at the gym or screwing your head up with all kinds of theories the dating "experts" are feeding you.

Listen to Mother Nature. She knows best and she knows more than all of the "experts" put together … Guaranteed.

Do you want to get your sperm on the fast-track to health and happiness? One great way of creating super-men sperm is through increasing your dietary intake of zinc. Zinc does wonders for helping create numerous and healthy sperm. Quitting smoking is a big one, too … Smoking knocks the heck out of sperm. Give up the cigarettes. There are many ways of improving the health and number of your sperm. It's really easier than you can imagine.

Anyway, back to my friend, Robert. You know, my old High School buddy we talked about earlier.

Back in the day, he relayed a story to me about his new girlfriend. Apparently, she was really amazed at his seminal output when they had sex. In fact she was so impressed by it that it took him by surprise and he wanted to ask me about it. And so he did. He asked me how much I would usually ejaculate, as if it was nothing out of the ordinary.

I told him, "You know, normal, i guess; like half a teaspoon … Nothing like those guys in the porn films, though, that must be some kind of special effects or something …"

He looked at me with a puzzled expression and said: "Really, I thought all guys were like that, you know, that's how much I usually release. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to stop!"

Had I really known … No wonder all the women were so interested in him, without even sleeping with him.

Who would have thought …?

To learn more about increasing the intensity and volume of your orgasm and supercharging your sperm, read Iron Man Penis – The Russian System.

Remember – Mother Nature knows best.

Sincerely,

Georg Von Neumann

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Source by Georg Von Neumann

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A "Martyr Complex" is a trait most of us seldom recognize in ourselves and are offended when the term is applied to us. This complex describes a behavior that is selfless to the point of consistently denying one's own needs and desires to put others' needs first, or to acquiesce to someone in a situation where both of you desire the same thing. One feels noble and self-sacrificing and in some way, however trivial, conveys this feeling to the recipient of the good deed.

Women in general and mothers more than fathers, tend to suffer from this complex. Mothers, by nature, are givers. They will put their children's needs before their own and this behavior often extends to husbands, parents and friends. For this reason, I shall use the pronoun "she" in this article.

It is kind, generous and nurturing to deny oneself in order to enable the goals of others in certain situations. It is NOT a martyr complex when you are generous with both time and material possessions, but when this type of behaviour is dependent on constant validation and verbalized appreciation it is perceived as a martyr complex by loved ones and friends alike.

Those of us who are labeled with this complex are also extremely sensitive to any type of constructive criticism at any level. If a boss or, (God forbid), co-worker casually remarks on some aspect of our performance or behaviour in the work environment, the martyr can not treat a relatively harmless statement as such and move on. She perceives constructive criticism as a personal attack and allows a feeling of unfairness to gnaw at her until she ultimately seeks the reassurance of others that she has been unjustly criticized. Quite often, as well, she can not rest until the guilty party is made aware, usually with a sarcastic remark or misplaced humor that she has been wounded far more than what is normal. The criticism of a loved one or good friend is almost a mortal blow and festers like an infected wound until we have relentlessly and needlessly made the guilty party aware of how deeply we have been hurt and receive some type of assertion that we are, in fact , still loved and respected. We are usually intelligent, humorous and quick-witted. Our humor is often self-disparaging (another tactic that invokes validation that we are liked by those we seek to please).

It is my opinion that the martyr complex often goes hand in hand with a deeply ingrained need to please others, probably formed in childhood and carried into adulthood. Low self-esteem and self-worth are character traits that have developed over a long period of time and can only be satisfied by constant validation from others that one is worthy of love, admiration and affection. Feeling good about oneself is a direct result of what others think of us. We know this is fundamentally damaging and self-defeating, but no amount of positive reinforcement seems to expunge deep feelings of insecurity and lack of self-worth. It is really unfortunate that those of us branded as martyrs or victims do not know how to change this behaviour. We know how others perceive us because loved ones and close friends will often tell us that we are chronic martyrs when we think we are just being kind and thoughtful. Being kind, thoughtful and generous are lovely character traits admired and respected by others. These traits are not the problem – it is the need for constant validation and appreciation of our kindness, thoughtful deeds and generosity that invokes disdain and mild irritation on the part of others.

With all of the self-help tools available today, one would think that recognizing this martyr complex (and that it negates in most minds whatever good we have done), we would use all of the tools at our disposal to actively work on changing this behavior. We do not like this perception of us and we do not think we deserve it. Unfortunately, our need for acceptance, verbal appreciation and validation are every bit as strong as the natural instinct to be selfless with those we love.

I have no expertise on this matter to speak of. I can only write about what I know of my own nature with its strengths and weaknesses. The next time you roll your eyes in exasperation at a friend or loved one who has done something nice for you and then can not let you forget it (I'm not THAT bad), just remember that below the genuinely kind and loving exterior is a deep-rooted sense of needing to please to prove worthiness of your love, respect and admiration.

For some reason, regardless of how genuine the good deed, with absolutely no expectation of anything in return, there will be moments when the need to be verbally appreciated and validated will surface because that need is inherent in her basic nature.

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Source by Kelly Bashtanyk

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Men are good at giving excuses. This is because men are also good at lying. Men know that the best way to tell a lie is to make it swift. They disguise their lies with well-rehearsed excuses.

Most of these excuses are common. Some of the excuses were so bad they were actually given without even an attempt to console my feelings. All of these excuses, however, were received at the last-minute. Timing is everything. Timing is especially important when you are going to lie.

The best lies have to be presented as truth so as to make the liar feel as though their excuse was unavoidable, plausible and, therefore, not their fault. A good excuse is something like a partial lie – with some truth, maybe someone will believe it. Seldom did these men apologize for the inconvenience or disappointment a last-minute change of plans may have caused me. They failed to apologize because, of course, the event was so disastrous that any kind soul would understand and, of course, realize that it was not their fault. They could not help it.

Below is a list of the top six excuses I have received throughout the years whenever a man telephones or now sends an email to cancel plans with me. Catastrophes, I have learned, always occur just before the dinner hour.

Excuse # 6: "My mother called . She's sick. I will not be able to see you tonight because I have to go over to her house to take care of her. I'll call you later."

This excuse came from a man who rarely sees his mother, seldom talks to her and the last I knew, she lived in another state. He never called later either. I have to assume the mother died; otherwise, I am sure he would have called to reschedule.

Excuse # 5: "Hi, it 's me. I will not be able to see you tonight as planned. I have to work."

This excuse is an all-time favorite. Men use it all the time. It is especially useful for men who work in the computer industry and have to rush back to the office to logon their computer to fix a computer problem. Most wives or girlfriends do not know that these same men can now walk into the next room and logon from the home computer to fix the computer problem at the office that will keep them out all night. Almost every man I have known has this excuse stashed in his back pocket. Bosses are always the reason these men have to work late or on the weekends. All men have important jobs that require them to work late or go to the office late at night. They prepare their dates, girlfriends and wives with this excuse early during a relationship – just so they can use it when they need it.

Excuse # 4: "Hi, I 'm sick. I think I'm coming down with something. I do not want to give you whatever it is that I've got, so I will just stay home tonight and go to bed early. "

This is excuse is too common to list, but it is still worth mentioning. I hear it often. The suggestion that he is going to go to bed early is said so that the dinner date, girlfriend, wife or whomever he is speaking with will not bother to telephone later to see how he is feeling and, thus, will not offer to bring any home-cooked soup over to help improve his health. His health is fine. The "sick" feeling is always disastrous, contagious and potentially fatal. The men who use this excuse are accustomed to dating "care-givers" and, therefore, have learned how to preempt any offers of comforting.

Excuse # 3: "Hello, I 'm just calling to tell you that I will not be able to take you out dancing tonight. I need to stay home to mop my kitchen floor."

This excuse was so bad that instead of feeling hurt or rejected, I started to laugh before he finished his story about how dirty his kitchen floor was. Mopping his floor on a Saturday night was urgent and could no longer be postponed. He was just going to have to give-up going to the bar to drink and dance. It was critical that he cancel his previously scheduled date with me so that he could give his kitchen floor his undivided attention. As I listened to what he was saying, I started to laugh. I could not believe he could deliver this excuse with a straight face. Did not he know the importance of giving a good lie? I had known this man for about four dates and one camping trip before the cleanliness of his kitchen floor became more important to him than me.

On this particular Saturday night, we were scheduled to go dancing at a country bar in his town. The telephone rang as I was about to leave the apartment on my way to his place. I was already dressed. I was wearing my best blue jeans and cowboy boots. He always wore a black cowboy hat. He did offer somewhat of an apology, however, as he was careful to explain that he wanted to call before I left the house so that I would not waste a trip. Was not that thoughtful of him? After our conversation ended, I laughed about it all night; thankful that I did not drive to meet him. I decided to take myself to the country bar in my city instead. Besides, I was already dressed for a night out. I was tempted, however, to drive to the bar we had intended to go to just so I could see him there, but did not want to waste a trip or a Saturday night.

Excuse # 2: "Hey sweetie! I am going to need to get a rain check on our meeting this evening. I have issues with my furnace and I need to get it fixed. They are coming between 3-5 pm this afternoon and I am not sure what they are going to have to do to fix it. I am sorry and I would like to try a later date and time if you wish. Hugs. "

This excuse arrived by email four hours before our scheduled meeting. It is always easier to cancel something by email. The email can be short and sweet and to the point without any pretense of sincerity. It is also important to remember when telling a lie that you provide details to make it sound truthful. Notice the time the furnace people will be arriving. The important people who are making someone cancel previously scheduled events are typically mentioned also. Who can argue with furnace people? Furnace people are as important as bosses and, therefore, must be respected. I also am suspicious of this cancellation because I have never known a man who had a problem with his furnace, his house or his car that he did not know exactly what the problem was, how long it would take the expert to fix it and precisely how much the repair would cost. This man never sent another email to follow-up on his rain-check either. Does not he know that rain-checks expire? I can not blame this man too much, however, it was to be our first date and he would have had to drive an hour to meet me and pay for dinner. It is a matter of time and money. The fact that he was advertising on a single's website to meet the love of his life does not out-rank issues with a furnace. One must be practical.

Excuse # 1: "Hey. I 'm going to have to cancel our shopping trip this afternoon and dinner tonight. My mom's dog is sick. I have to go to my mom's house to watch the dog so my parent's can go out to dinner . Yes, I'll be there all afternoon and all night. The dog is really sick. "

This excuse still rates as an all-time favorite for me. This excuse arrived by telephone shortly after I had left his house to go home and change clothes with plans to return for an afternoon of window shopping at the nearby mall, browsing through my new books which I had left at his place to read later while he watched some sports event on television followed by a home-grilled steak with baked potato that he was going to prepare for me.

I had known this man since I was fourteen. He was a former friend of my high school sweetheart who later became my first husband. I had accidentally encountered his roommate while out shopping one day several years following my divorce. Both roommates were ex-friends of my ex-husband. The roommate had arranged a reunion with the three of us by inviting me over to see the old gang. My visits led to me spending quite a few afternoons and some late-night weekends at their apartment watching HBO and playing cribbage. Sometimes, I would sleep on the couch and return home the next morning. We were not a couple, we were not dating, and we were not having sex. We were just hanging-out together. It was somewhat of a post-divorce place to be. But, still? We had plans.

However, since I did know him so well, I just could not let this lie go down unnoticed and certainly not without mentioning it. I told him flat-out that he was a lousy liar and that he better come clean real fast. I also reminded him that he did know me well enough to know that I would catch him in the lie without even trying. Fate works that way for me and he knows it. He still would not confess. So, I asked him to bring me my new books before he went to his mother's house so that I would have them to read during the evening. He agreed.

Later that day, he arrived at my apartment. He knocked on the door. I opened it. I was waiting for him. Sure enough, there he stood wearing his best blue sweater, his tightest blue jeans and wearing enough cologne to make me faint from the first whiff. The sight of him made me break out laughing. I could not believe he was actually going to stand there, at my front door, wearing his best "dress-up" clothes and still tell me he was going to his mother's house to watch her sick dog. I know this man's mother! She and I share the same birth date. We share the same zodiac sign. I have been to his mother's house many times. Now, suddenly, I'm not welcome to go with him while be babysits his mother's dog on a Saturday night. Yea, it was a too good to be true. There he stood, still trying to sell his story. He stuck with his story the entire time he stood outside my door anxious to go to this poor mother's house. He did, however, bring me my books as a consolation prize.

His last-minute cancellation prompted me to call one of my girlfriends to ask if she wanted to go out that night to the local disco where we usually went. After questioning why my plans had changed, she agreed to meet me there later. We set a time.

The gods must have been with me that night. My warning to my friend came true. It was about 10 pm when it happened. I was standing near the dance floor, in my usual spot. I was holding a glass of wine trying to look sophisticated and hoping someone would ask me to dance. I was scanning the crowd trying to see if there might be anyone even thinking about asking me to dance when it happened. I will always remember this moment. As I was looking across the room, watching the crowd on the dance floor, trying to forget that he canceled on me and, worse, was still going to stick with his lame story about his mother's sick dog, I saw him. He was tall, so his head stood above the crowd. He was walking towards me, but had not noticed me. I could not believe it. I almost jumped with joy sensing his reaction when he knew I caught him. He would not even be able to deny the evidence; he was standing right there.

As I watched him walk through the crowd, I quickly nudged my girlfriend so she could see that my story and suspicions were true. Instead of supporting me, however, she said, "Oh, do not make a scene."

Do not make a scene? How could she suggest such a thing? My only problem was trying to decide how big of a scene I was going to make. Did I want to ruin his life, leave him impotent for weeks or just ruin his date with this gorgeous brunette? It was a matter of how much I was going to make a scene, not whether I was going to. She just did not understand. I had history with this man. I had about 10 years of history with this man. He knew me too well not to expect a scene if I should get so lucky as to catch him in a lie when it was only a couple of hours old. I mean, come on, who would pass on a chance like this?

I waited and watched as he maneuvered his way through the crowd. He was following her like a puppy follows his master. He was not leading her through the crowd. It was the other way around. She was leading him from room to room as she checked-out the other men there. It served him right. He was following along like he was on a short leash complete with droll on his chin. She was that pretty; I could see why he was following her. He would have gone anywhere she led. So, I watched and waited.

I estimated him to be ten steps away and, sure enough, he was going to walk right past me and never see me. Oh, this was good. I was mentally preparing for the moment when he saw me standing there. Then, it happened. As he strolled by, I reached my hand out to touch his shoulder just before he passed by me out of reach. He looked back over his shoulder and saw me standing there. His faced dropped; he lost his breath; his knees buckled. He was looking for somewhere to run but knew it was too late to hide. He was caught! That's all I wanted. I just wanted him to know that. Yes, he was caught. And, even better, he was caught at my bar. I was not at his usual hangout, he was at mine and he knew it. It was just as though he had walked into a trap.

Trapped he was. He was trapped by the new woman who was leading him on and trapped by the old friend who knew his secrets. He was trapped. I loved it. I knew he would call the next day . And, he did. His story changed but, in the end, the truth was told. He could not resist her and, besides, I was a friend.

I was a friend and, as a friend, I forgave him. I did not forgive him, however, until after several hours of interrogation while I forced him to admit that he canceled with me because he had a last-minute opportunity for a date with a gorgeous, long-haired brunette. I made him further admit that he did not spend his Saturday night tending to his mother's sick dog. It was a lie. I made him confess. The story does have a happy ending, however. Months later, he met the woman who later became his second wife. They have been married for 30 years.

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Source by Merlene Reynolds

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One of the hardest things to do in life is to live once you've been told you are going to die. It's as if life speeds up after you receive knowledge that your days are ticking away on a finite clock that you have no control over. One important thing that I learned while experiencing the devastating affects of Pancreatic Cancer with my mother as she fought this distressing disease is that it is crucial to focus on the time that you have rather than on the time you do not have. To me this article is a condensed version of the Diary of Cancer Patient's Daughter as I explain what living with Pancreatic Cancer is like from diagnosis to death as I framed the picture of my mother's experience in my mind.

I hope and pray that you receive something out of these words birthed out of pain that will bring you peace and help you or your loved one with a Cancer diagnosis live a little longer and happier in spite of the sad reality you are facing. There are 7 D's in this Cancer Diary that can help you manage the physical and mental aspects of this awful disease. Remember that what you do not do in the Cancer Crisis is just as important as what you do.

Entry # 1: The Diagnosis:

My mother Joyce was 66 years old when she was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer during the summer of 2008. Though all Cancer is bad, Pancreatic Cancer is considered one of the worst because it is the most difficult to diagnose. The reason is that the symptoms mirror digestive problems as the disease hides in the depths of the digestive system. My mother had chronic pain in her stomach and though she went to the emergency room several times receiving numerous tests and ultra sounds the doctors kept telling her nothing was wrong with her and sent her home every time. Initially they thought it was a problem with her gal bladder which is a common misdiagnoses in the case of Pancreatic Cancer.

Her Father Boyce whom she was named after died of Pancreatic Cancer 20 years earlier, but the chance that she could have that very same thing never occurred to her or anyone else in our family. If Cancer runs in your family, especially Pancreatic Cancer, I would advise you to have regular screenings for this disease as early diagnosis is a key to survival. One of the most deadly things about Pancreatic Cancer is that because it is so hard to diagnose most patients do not receive their diagnosis until they are already in Stage 4 of the Cancer when there is practically no hope.

The symptoms of Pancreatic Cancer include: abdominal pain and pressure, jaundice, nausea, loss of appetite, depression, weight loss and weakness. My mother had all symptoms except for jaundice. Just because a person is missing a common symptom does not mean they do not have Pancreatic Cancer. The most common procedures used to diagnosis this brutal disease are: Ultrasonography, CT Scanning, Endoscopic Retrograde Cholangiopancretography, Endoscopic Ultrasound, MRI, and Cholangiogram Percutaneous Transhepatic. I'm pretty sure my mother had all of these tests done and it can be very draining to endure such experiences, however it is vital in obtaining a diagnosis. The results of her diagnosis showed that there was a tumor on her pancreas blocking the flow of bile from her liver, as well as, the flow of enzymes from her pancreas. In her case the tumor was wrapped around a blood vessel and surgery to remove the tumor was not really an option. Very few surgeons in the country would have been able to successfully perform the surgery and her chances of survival would have been slim to none. Even if she had of had the surgery her quality of life following it was questionable. This surgery is commonly known as the Whipple Operation and removes a large part of the pancreas, the duodenum and a portion of the bile duct

What do you do in this situation? You make the choice to live the best life in the time that you have which is undetermined and different for everyone. Suck every drop of joy out of life you can as quickly as possible. If we could turn back the clock and do it all over again the one thing we would do differently is have annual screenings for the disease conducted because had we done that my mother might still be alive today. What you do in time can determine the time you have on this earth.

Many people allow the hands of time to cover their eyes to what they do not want to see. Open your eyes today and if you have not been diagnosed with this disease begin to use preventative measures such as a healthy diet, exercise, and regular checkups with your doctor.

Entry # 2: Denial:

We were in such disbelief after receiving the diagnosis we failed to take immediate action locked in the paralysis of our new found reality. One thing Cancer does not give you is time. That big devil called denial must be dealt with. I can still hear my mother saying, "I can not have this … not me!" You must come to grips with what you have in order to get a grip on the situation. Sometimes I think of Cancer being more of an accident of health rather than a mistake of nature. All you can do with a mistake is wish that it never happened but accidents can be prevented. Maybe this is a little optimistic since Cancer tends to creep in like an unexpected thief to steal your most prized possessions. Even so, optimism is always stronger than pessimism and it merely means that our powerful spirits encased in a fragile frame of flesh chooses to live.

Even people with diseases such as drug addiction and alcoholism must come out of denial before they recover. I know Cancer survivors and they are the same people that came out of denial and dealt with the disease. You will never take action in regards to something you do not believe.

Entry # 3: Drugs:

We live in a pill popping nation where there is a drug for every situation. One of the main problems with drugs is that they mask symptoms but fail to provide a cure. Drugs do their best to cover up the Cancer until the victim is covered with earth in a coffin. I keep hearing rumors that there is a cure for Cancer but the medical and funeral industries are making too much money off of the disease to release the cure. I do not know if that is true but it sure makes sense.

Though drugs were diagnosed to help my mother one of the first things we did which is extremely important for Pancreatic Cancer patients was to have a stint put in. Stints were inserted into the tubes leading from her liver and pancreas to help them function and this helped her to live a better life. In some cases, depending on the size of the tumor, it is very difficult to insert stints but there are several alternative methods and procedures to accomplish the same effect. If you have a good doctor he will inform you of all options. If you have a doctor that does not tell you all the options; get another doctor.

My experience with a mother with Pancreatic Cancer perfected a hatred in me for Morphine which is the pain medication my mother was put on. Since the pain caused by the Cancer is so intense our options were limited and we wanted my mother to be able to live out her days as pain free as possible as I think anyone would. The Morphine altered her mind, changed her personality, and caused aggression and paranoia. The effects of the Morphine put the family in pain while relieving my mother's pain.

At times it was as if she was out of her mind and it nearly drove us out of ours. She no longer trusted the people that loved her and many times would forget what she was saying in the middle of a sentence. The family told her many things over and over again and she would not do them and always forgot what we told her. To me Morphine kills a person before they die. It kills their ability to convey the essence of who they truly are. There are alternatives for pain relief drugs but I do not know how much better they are since we only dealt with Morphine.

It amazes me how Patrick Swayze filmed a television series with Pancreatic Cancer refusing to take pain medications so he could concentrate on and accomplish his work. I remember hearing him speak about preparing hours in advance of his shoots to be mentally and physically prepared to accomplish every task in pain. I think drugs such as Morphine make a person die faster because it arrests their mind. In the movie the Matrix if you've ever seen it, Neo is doing the jump program with Morpheus and falls. When he comes out of it he is bleeding and makes a statement to the fact that he thought it was not real and Morpheus tells him that the mind makes it real and that the body can not live without the mind. If you are mentally incapacitated, how can you make a conscious decision to fight for your life?

A glimmer of hope came to us while dealing with the madness of the Morphine which is an alternative pain treatment that Cancer patients can receive that deals with injecting alcohol around certain nerves to block the feelings of pain. My mother had this procedure done but said that it did not work. To this day I do not know if the treatment really did not work or if by the time she had it she was

already addicted to the Morphine and the pain she felt were the pangs of withdraw.

Unfortunately Morphine was only one wave in the ocean of drugs we had to deal with. There were digestive enzymes that had to be taken prior to eating, beta blockers, heart medication, anxiety medication, insulin for the diabetes caused by the shut down of the pancreas, medication for indigestion, vitamins, blood thinners for blood clots and so many medications we had to make an Excel spreadsheet just to keep track of them.

One of the effects of the disease that had to be dealt with was extreme swelling of the abdomen and feet to the point where diuretics were prescribed, fluid draw procedures had to be performed by using a needle to draw the fluid from the abdomen and as for the feet; only house shoes could be worn. I found out that the swelling was caused by the Cancer mainly due to the body's reaction to the tumor and to the lack of protein in the blood disabling the bloods ability to hold fluid.

The things that a person goes through with Cancer are almost endless. Every part of the body is affected; especially the mind, the will, and the emotions. Based upon the experience I encountered with my mother a couple of other crises we had to press through was the C Diph infection causing chronic diarrhea causing contact isolation that is almost like quarantine to be implemented. My mother could barely eat and we had to put on hospital gowns and gloves to be in the room with her or even come in contact with her.

An episode we faced with internal bleeding caused by the rupturing of blood vessels was very traumatic and hospitalized my mother after she passed out from weakness with her eyes rolling back in her head due to the extreme blood loss. Blood was in her bowels and blood transfusions had to be issued in order to get her blood count back up to normal which is usually 14 and hers was almost half that. Had we not sought medical attention for her at that time she could have died. So that you can recognize this, the symptoms are usually extreme weakness and black loose bowels. I experienced the same thing when I was four years old and diagnosed with acute hemorrhagic pancreatitis.

We tried chemotherapy which is extremely hard on the body, killing the good cells along with the bad. Chemotherapy is like infusing your body with a poison in order to get rid of another poison. For some people it works but sadly to say in the cases of Pancreatic Cancer it is rarely effective. I am not a doctor and therefore give no medical recommendations as to how to treat Cancer of the Pancreas but in my own personal opinion and experience through observation I would say if possible, find a better way.

There are alternative treatments, natural remedies, and experimental treatments. A Cancer patient can seek studies that are being conducted for the type of Cancer they have and in many cases when they become a part of the study they can receive free or very low cost experimental treatments. One day one of these experimental treatments might be the answer. My mother used an experimental chemotherapy that was available but it was too hard on her heart. One of her smaller tumors did disappear but that was not enough to save her.

Chemotherapy can carry such side effects as nausea, vomiting, and decreased white blood cell counts. Historically, Chemotherapy has not been effective in the treatment of Pancreatic Cancer, but there are more up to date treatments that use an FDA approved agent called gemcitabine which has helped to shrink some tumors for Carcinoma of the pancreas.

At one point we went to see a naturalpathic doctor specializing in alternative Cancer treatments that knew of a treatment that had proved to be effective for Pancreatic Cancer. The name of the treatment is Intravenous – Lipoic Acid / Low-Dose Naltrexone Protocol. There are various articles and information on this treatment for you to research and intelligently consider.

Our problem with the treatment was that one of the drugs prescribed for it that could only be filled at a compound pharmacy blocks the affects of opiates and since my mother was on Morphine for pain a known opiate she plunged into a chronic pain episode that caused her to lose coherency from the pain and go to the emergency room where the only thing they could do to relieve her pain was to give her a drug strong enough to sedate her and completely knock her out. It was a tremendous setback in her treatment. The opiate blocking drug was supposed to be a very low dosage that should not have negatively affected her so if this particular treatment is chosen I would do extensive research and make ample preparations before trying it.

When you are personally dealing with Cancer or know someone close to you that is, you will find out quickly that everyone has a product to sell you that they claim has cured someone from Cancer. Maybe they have and maybe they have not. Again, I remember watching an interview with Barbara Walters and Patrick Swayze when he said something to the effect of, "If you had a miracle cure for Cancer you would be rich and everyone would know you so just shut up." We tried several products and ordered everything we thought could make a difference or be a cure. I'm going to share with you two things that you can buy on your own that we did not get a chance to try because we found out about them too late. I do not know it they work, but its worth a try as anything is when you or someone you love is dying.

You can search YouTube and find videos on the banking soda Cancer treatment and you can search the Internet to find articles that specifically discuss the use of asparagus to treat Cancer. There is so much more I could say about different treatments and drugs but instead of going on and on about this subject I will instead give you a few helpful hints.

Helpful Hint # 1: If you are strong enough to do it, aerobic exercise helps Chemotherapy patients by ridding the toxins in their system from Chemotherapy through sweat. I read an article once about a lady with Cancer that felt too sick to do aerobics when her coworkers kept inviting her to class because they did not know she had Cancer. She started the classes eventually and felt sick at first and then started feeling better. She sweated the toxins out and one year later was teaching the class Cancer Free.

Helpful Hint # 2: When a Cancer patient's veins are to the point where it is extremely difficult to draw blood or administer IV medication a Central Line which is a port for IV and medication inserted into the jugular vein by ultrasound can be good. I witnessed the pain of my mother as she was poked multiple times with attempts to draw blood and insert IV's. Save yourself this pain with a Central Line.

Helpful Hint # 3: Keep a positive attitude and laugh as often as possible. The Bible says that laughter doeth the heart good like a medicine. Sometimes simple laughter will do more for a Cancer patient than any drug. Laughter heals and it makes a person's time on this earth more enjoyable. Talk about funny memories from the past with family and friends and laugh, laugh, laugh! You deserve it! Mental support is important. Encourage, speak positive things, and most of all be there for the person that you know that has Cancer. Cancer and all the things a person goes through with it are scary. I coached my mom and encouraged her and told her she could make it when she did not think she could. Encouragement in love can add time to a Cancer patient's life. Ask lots of questions and gain as much knowledge as possible. If a drug or treatment you or a Cancer patient you know is on does not seem right; talk to the doctor about it because there is always an alternative.

Entry # 4: Disappointment:

Normally in life there are disappointments. When you already have a disappointing disease, disappointment can be magnified. What do you do when the Chemo does not work? How do you react when the miracle cure you found out about does not cure? How do you deal with setbacks that surface along the way? What you do is keep going, keep trying, and do not give up. It is important to express disappointment and acknowledge it as long as it does not take you captive. Just having the disease is disappointing, not to mention all of the obstacles encountered while dealing with the disease. Disappointment is not only experienced by the Cancer victim but by the family and friends that love that person so much.

I was working on my MBA when my mother was diagnosed with Cancer. Since she was already in Stage 4 of Cancer when she was diagnosed we found out shortly after the diagnosis that the Cancer had spread to her lungs and other areas of her body. I can remember the day I found out about that. I started crying at work and could not stop and had to leave the office. I know what it feels like to try and hold tears in and there is nothing you can do to keep them held in your eyes. I know what it is to cry until your stomach jerks in and out and snot comes out of your nose and you feel like throwing up. My mother was my best friend and because of that I am well acquainted with disappointment.

I always wondered how the people with these miracle stories that publish these books about overcoming Cancer did it. Their methods worked for them with no doubt but my mother was in such a bad state she could not even do most of the things these books said to do and that was so disappointing. I wished I could speak with these people personally just to ask them … HOW? How did you do it?

One of the greatest challenges faced was that my mother was a Minister and Pastor and she had a lot of people praying for her as she even believed for her own healing. Father Yah (God) is a healer but He does not always heal and there is always a question of why for those that are not healed. Dottie Olsteen the wife of the late Pastor John Olsteen of Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas now pastured by Joel Olsteen at one time had terminal Liver Cancer. Dottie gathered together the healing scriptures from the Bible and began to speak them over herself three times a day like a medicine prescription and was totally and completely healed.

Why her and not my mother? I do not know. Maybe Yah (the name for almighty God the Creator in Hebrew) was ready for my mom to come home with Him. All I can tell you is that disappoint can and will come in many forms. The best cure for disappointment is to overcome with an attitude of thankfulness, accepting that you do not know the reason for all things but you do know that there is a reason and a purpose for all things. Stay positive while keeping your mind and spirit open to whatever might happen. Disappointment comes when something other than what you expect or anticipate happens. With Cancer you have to be prepared for the success or failure of anything and everything. Be encouraged; you are stronger than disappointment. Do not let it catch you off guard but be prepared for it. Know that for every disappointment there is a triumph on the other side.

Entry # 5: Diet:

Anyone with Cancer should reconstruct their diet to contain the foods that fight against and can even cure Cancer. Eat and drink substances that are non-acidic, alkaline, and highly concentrated with antioxidants. Research to find Cancer healing foods.

One of the most important things to do is to drink a lot of water. Water is the source of life and the human body is mostly composed of water. There is an author that wrote a book called, "You Are not Sick You're Just Thirsty" talking about the importance of water and its affects on the body.

Diet is a rough subject with Pancreatic Cancer because you can know all the right things to eat and not be able to consume them. The affects of the disease on the digestive system makes it very hard to eat and drink. The patient may lose their appetite and even if they do have an appetite, once they eat it can make them feel sick. Pancreatic Cancer sabotages the digestive system.

One thing that helped us was some information we found on dill pickles that assists in the digestion of food. In many instances when someone with Pancreatic Cancer or other digestive problems eats a dill pickle with each meal it helps to counteract the digestive problems so they can eat in comfort and keep the food down for nutrition to the body.

There are also drugs available to enhance the appetite, but if dill pickles can also be eaten with every meal that should help greatly as well. Since Pancreatic Cancer patients have difficulties in eating and tend to lose a lot of weight, dietary supplements such as protein shakes are suggested which are ingested easier with the use of a straw. Peanut butter can be added to the shakes to increase the calorie content and nutritional value of the shake. Another suggestion is to eat very small meals all throughout the day. The Cancer patient may not feel like eating but in order to live they must FORCE themselves to eat. Lack of food and liquid can kill quicker.

Vitamin D fights Cancer and freshly juiced vegetable juices containing the juice from green leafy vegetables can be extremely helpful especially when drank right after juicing when vitamin content and living substance is at a high level. The external diet is also important which consists of Epson salt baths that help to heal and release toxins from the body.

We all know the saying, "You are what you eat." Eat what is alive and it will help you stay alive. The first 3 letters of the word diet is the word die. Do not let what you are eating kill you. Since Cancer patients many times have to give up foods they love in order to live, it is great if the family can conform to their diet in support of their dietary efforts. Some foods make Cancer grow like simple sugars. Cut the sugar out of your diet and use a natural alternative like Stevia to sweeten foods. Stevia is a naturally sweet leaf that is available in powder and liquid form to sweeten foods and use in recipes. I am a big Bible reader so I love that Stevia is a leaf because the Bible says that the leaves shall be used for the healing of the nations. Other well-known artificial sweeteners can actually be poisonous to the body so be careful with them and avoid them if possible.

Entry # 6: Death:

Even when you know someone is going to die, nothing really prepares you for the affects, effects, and real life reactions to that death. Everyone's experience is different, and I will share my personal experience with you hoping it will help you in some way. I can remember my mom looking at me one night and saying to me, "I'm dying!" I did not know what to say back because even though I knew she had Cancer and death seemed inevitable, I refused to accept the fact the she was actually going to die.

We took her to the hospital on a Thursday and the very next day they wanted to send her to hospice. Hospice is a great and awful place all at the same time. Great due to the care and support and painless exit for the patient from this world they provide. Awful because you know that it is the last place you will be with the one you love. Hospice facilities are very comfortable and they give you a chance to say goodbye even if you do not want to. No one does. Please know that you are not the only one going through this; neither are you the only one that has ever gone through this.

Counselors are provided, as well as, chaplains for spiritual support and prayer. You will receive a booklet explaining the death process which helps you know when death is near. During this process, give the Cancer patient a lot of love, comfort and support, and make sure you yourself get ample food and rest. Speak to your loved one while they are responsive and even after they are in a drug induced comma because they can still hear you. Be sure not to be selfish and release them to pass on so they will not linger on in suffering. That is all I will say about the hospice experience as you will learn more as you are actually in it. This is the time to meet with the funeral home and make preparations for the funeral and burial. You will not want to do this, but it is necessary and will help smooth out the process. Overall, hospice is a place to say your final goodbyes.

Entry # 7: Debt:

My dad only had enough life insurance to cover my mom's funeral, and this is not recommended. The moment a Cancer diagnosis is in place get as much checkup free insurance as you can get. For some reason the bill collectors do not understand the word death, and you can be stuck with bills that increase your sorrow after your loved one is gone. You will need a living will for your patient to be able to make medical decisions for them and you also need a power of attorney to deal with their accounts way before a death experience is upon you. You may have to handle business matters that they can not deal with while they are still alive and after they have passed on.Also make sure a will is in place so you do not have to deal with probate. Some accounts are easily closed after death simply by submitting a copy of the death certificate to the creditor and it is important to see if insurance is in place to pay off accounts upon death such as mortgages.

I have shared my heart, soul, and intimate personal experience with you in this article to the best of my ability. It should not take a crisis such as Cancer for us to become mortgage and debt free but if something such as Cancer arises I know that being mortgage and debt free can be one less worry. Work to reduce or delete your debts as much as possible. My dad would have more freedom and options today had his house been paid off when my mother passed. In addition to medical bills there were some prescriptions that cost $ 800 for a 10-day supply after our prescription benefits ran out. Death and sickness know nothing of the extra financial burdens that can increase and extend sorrow.

You will feel the pain of your loss for awhile and it will be absolutely unbelievable for a very long time, but you will get through it. Remember the good times, look at pictures of life, and hear the voice of your loved one live on in your mind and spirit forever. I wish you abundant peace. If you would like to find out how to get a copy of the book I've written in hopes of helping people deal with the loss of a loved one, please call or email me.

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Source by Deneene A. Collins

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Over the past fifty plus years that I have been alive I have had many occasions to watch friends and loved ones marry. There are more than a few things I have learned about weddings as a result of all this, but adhering to some of the most common traditions and superstitions associated with weddings are the most important. Post why? Because it just so happens that many of those who chose to ignore these seemingly nonsensical and sometimes almost comical steps to get to the alter have often paid a high price for their disrespect of these long standing customs.

The Wedding Dress

We have all heard that it is bad luck for the groom to see bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony. The truth is that a longer standing tradition says that it is bad luck for the bride to wear the complete wedding outfit before the day that she takes her wedding vows. That is why you almost never see a bride trying on a wedding dress with her wedding shoes, veil and so on. A female college friend of mine knew a young girl who decided to ignore that tradition and display her complete wedding outfit to her bridal party for the purpose of having "some photos taken with her friends" the night before her wedding. So she said, most of those present think she was just showing off. The dress seemed unusually tight to some who saw the bride all decked out that night and soon gossiping tongues spread the news quickly.

The next day the groom decided not to show up for the ceremony after my college friend said that she called and told him that his bride looked "fat or pregnant" when she saw the bride in her outfit the night before. My friend was not being mean, but she felt sorry for the groom who had gone out of his way to keep his bride pure (she had claimed to be a virgin) by abstaining from sex with her. He had never seen her in the wedding dress, but even his sister said that she noticed an unusually rapid weight gain in the bride who was not one known to fluctuate in her weight or overeat. There could have been a lot more to the story than that, but I have no doubt that the catalyst for the groom's cancellation was that phone call from my friend and the call would never had been made if the bride had not been showing off and scoffing at a long-standing tradition.

The Wedding Shoes

Both bride and groom should know that the superstitious among us say it is unlucky to wear any shoes for the ceremony that are not to be used specifically and only for the wedding. They claim that it is also bad luck to wear the shoes before the day of the ceremony, or to ever wear them again after the bride and groom take their vows. The shoes should be ripped apart or burned sometime shortly after the ceremony and never given away to anyone else. This tradition began sometime in the late 1800s and probably came from merchants eager to sell shoes. However, there may be some truth to it.

A friend of mine reports that a neighborhood friend of his who got married about twenty years ago had some very bad luck as a result of ignoring this odd superstition. Ben was a thrifty guy who hated wasting money. Sometime in the year before he was married he had purchased an expensive pair of shoes to wear for weddings, funerals and other special occasions. When my friend went out with him to help choose an outfit for his own wedding, he asked Ben about shoes. Ben told him that he was going to wear his best pair of shoes because they had barely been worn and were like new. After all, even back then a new pair of quality shoes could easily cost over one hundred dollars and Ben felt that money would be better spent elsewhere.

My friend told Ben about the wedding tradition regarding shoes that he had heard about from his mother, father and grandparents. My friend took the advice himself, got married without incident and has remained married ever since. Admittedly, he and his family are very superstitious about things like weddings, but there have been few divorces in his family line and many successful weddings and marriages. Ben wore his "best pair of shoes" on the day of the wedding despite the warning he received from my friend. Amazingly, his bride had her own unique plan for wedding footwear. She decided to wear sneakers for the wedding as a kind of joke as to say that she might be a runaway bride. The joke backfired.

Ben and his family were highly insulted by the presence of the sneakers and an argument began during the wedding reception which continued throughout the honeymoon and for weeks afterward. Things really came to a head when relatives on both sides viewed the wedding photos. The photographer became fixated on the bride's sneakers and kept taking pictures featuring them. Many of the guests were captured displaying a scowl on their face as they spoke to the bride and stared down at the sneakers. The couple broke up and divorced within three months of their wedding. I say that we should add wearing sneakers to a wedding to the bad luck list for wedding footwear, apparel and choices.

Placing a coin (especially a silver dollar) in one of your wedding shoes is considered extremely good luck. Although this applies mainly to the bride, I suppose that the groom has nothing to lose by trying it as well. This tradition goes back to the "Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue, A Sixpence in your Shoe" wedding superstition from old England. Relatives and close friends would give the bride small tokens of their affection to wear or carry with her on her special day. These items were presented just before the wedding began and were not wedding gifts, just mementos to remind the bride that she has family and friends that care about her and support her decision to marry.

Something Old was usually a token carried by another bride at a previous wedding who has had good luck or a successful and happy marriage. This gift is about sending the previous bride's good luck and fortune on to the present one. Something New is supposed to impart good luck to the bride giving her hope and confidence for the future. Something Borrowed is said to represent happiness that is imparted to the bride from her family and friends. Any happiness that they have experienced they offer to loan to the bride while she makes her own happy memories. Something Blue is given with the hope that the bride's marriage will be filled with an honest and pure love, as well as fidelity. A Sixpence (Coin) In Your Shoe is said to impart a financial blessing on the marriage. Few brides dare to ignore this tradition which many consider the most important of all. I know one that did.

She insisted on a marriage ceremony with included just her, the groom and a clergyman. Most of the bride's family and friends, as well as those of the groom, were against the marriage due to a huge age difference between the bride (who was very young) and the groom (who was thirty five years older). Most of the groom's family thought she was a gold digger because he had a substantial fortune and his family was well known in the city where they lived. However, the bride also came from money, but it was new money. Sadly, I think her decision to marry this man really had more to do with the fact that she may have wanted to enjoy the status of being married into a family with a major standing in society than real love. Anyway, she decided to punish all the nay sayers who were against the marriage and prove them wrong by insisting that her wedding be held in a public park with no guests. The couple spent the money that a huge wedding would have cost on an elaborate honeymoon.

That bride broke nearly all the rules of tradition and superstition involving weddings. This included the tradition of bringing tokens to her wedding given to her by a friend who thought the age difference thing was no big deal. That friend could not attend the ceremony regardless of whether she was invited or not because she was living in another country at the time, but she hoped that the tokens would bring the couple good luck. And they might have done their job if those items had been brought to the small ceremony by the bride. They were not. Despite what seemed like a marriage filled with bliss during and just after the honeymoon, the couple divorced after just five years citing irreconcilable differences.

The Wedding Rings

It is considered extremely unlucky to go shopping for a wedding ring on a Friday because that is a tradition Sale Day and a highly discounted ring set is considered bad luck overall. It is even more unlucky to wear a wedding ring (other than trying it on) for any length of time before the ceremony. I know of at least a dozen occasions where either the bride or groom wore their ring (for whatever reasons) for hours or days before the wedding and could not for the life of them remove it. This not only caused physical and emotional discomfit, but ultimately ended up in arguments that broke up four of those couples before the day of their weddings. There could have been a million other reasons for those break ups, but why take the chance?

There are other things to watch for when it comes to wedding rings. Too loose and that could mean a husband or wife might stray from the marriage bed because they would forget the full meaning of their wedding vows. Too tight could curse the couple to a marriage full of arguments and fights bringing out the worst in one or both people. Wearing the ring on the left hand is considered very good luck. That tradition goes back centuries to when most work was done with the right hand making it appear more aged or dirty than the left. A plain wedding band is good luck compared to a highly decorated one in some societies, while a ring with religious or cultural icons on it is considered very lucky in nations with people from a Celtic background.

I can not say that anyone I know has ever broken up over a plain or decorated wedding ring, but more than a few have had major disagreements over the cost and style of wedding bands which may expose a lack of character on the part of the bride, the groom, or both. The biggest superstition surrounding a wedding ring involves dropping it. Superstition says that a bride or groom who drops a wedding ring during the ceremony will be the first to die. This is said to be almost guaranteed if the ring rolls to a stop on a memorial or remembrance stone in the church or chapel. Wow! Be careful not to drop the ring.

The Flowers

Tradition says that the best choice of flowers for the bridal bouquet are either orange blossoms or roses. Orange blossoms are said to represent chastity and fertility, while roses stand for true love. It is also considered extremely good luck for members of the wedding party to wear garlands. This is a very old tradition, but one which has been making a comeback over the past several decades. If the bride tosses her bouquet and it is dropped, the bad luck is not on the bride, but on the person who failed to catch it; so no worries there. It is thought of as good luck to catch the bouquet even if that does not lead to the person catching it being the next to marry. No good or bad stories to share here, but fresh flowers do often help make the wedding and / or reception photos all the more precious when the wedding album is complete. Beware of the presence of wilted flowers which are considered extremely bad luck.

The Wedding Cake and Reception

There are many traditions involving wedding cakes. One of the most popular has been that when a couple agrees to place a statuette of the bride and one of the groom on the cake these should be of equal height. This is said to represent equality in a marriage. However, more often than not, people these days choose not to include likenesses of the bride and groom on their wedding cake. Instead, many are choosing eatable representations of their favorite flowers on the cake presented in various styles and set in all kinds of positions. Another popular trend is for the wedding cake to include the favorite flavors of the bride, while a separate cake is prepared called the Groom's Cake which is designed to please his taste buds.

It is considered bad luck for anyone except the bride or groom to be the first people to taste the wedding cake. So I guess the tradition of getting a piece of cake shoved into your face will continue for some time to come. The bride usually does that to the groom first, then some grooms reciprocate. Others fear the wrath of ruining that expensive make up job that most brides have professionally applied shortly before most weddings. On multi-tier cakes it is considered very good luck to save the top tier, freeze it and eat it about three months later or after all the wedding photos have been entered into the wedding album. Most couples serve the remainder of the cake to a small circle of family and friends who stop by to view the completed wedding photo album.

Many brides like to include special charms into their bridal shower or wedding cake. This long-standing tradition brings good luck and normally includes gold or silver charms in the shapes of hearts, clover, horseshoes, wedding bells, baby carriages or money purses donated by bridal shower attendees or wedding party members. Sometime in the 1980s it became a new tradition to include one or more French-style Cream Puff Trees (croquembouche) in the bridal shower and wedding reception among with the cake. This amazing creation is made of many individual cream puffs covered in caramel and presented in the shape of a tree. Guests can use a small spoon or fork to remove as many cream puffs as they care to eat and place them on small plates.

Some couples opt to have their wedding cake divided up carefully and plated by serving staff out of sight of the wedding guests after the cake is shown to everyone and the bride and groom take the first piece or pieces. This is a popular way to make sure the cake is carefully and equally divided. However, the bride and groom should always be sure that the first piece or pieces of cake are cut with a silver cake knife and silver server. Those first pieces should be placed on fine china and eaten with silver or high quality forks. This is considered extremely good luck. Having been to a number of wedding receptions, I can tell you that nothing says cheap and nasty like a couple who choose to cut their cake with a regular kitchen knife and serve it with a pie server. The only thing worse is slopping those first pieces of cake on to paper plates. Once the bride and groom are served, cake should always be served to guests on ceramic plates.

Beware of cracked or damaged plates. The presence of cracked or nicked plates is considered extremely bad luck for the bride, groom and wedding guests. I have never personally seen this (or, I should say I am personally unaware of it), but some of my older family members claim that almost anything bad that happens during or after the reception is brought on by the improper presentation of the wedding cake and other food items. I have heard of everything from fist fights to auto accidents and missed flights blamed on bad or improper presentation of the cake and food during the wedding reception. Even bad toasts are extremely unlucky and usually the cause of spats and fights, so never hand a microphone to someone that you know will say something stupid or improper.

The Wedding Vows

People who write their own wedding vows may think this is the best way to express their love, but wait! A newer wedding tradition says that writing your own vows is not the best of ideas and could mean disaster to a newly married couple. This is probably because of all the hippie marriages that took place in the sixties and seventies. People used pet names for each other and authored often long, convoluted and embarrassing vows that made no sense to anyone at the ceremony and sometimes had nothing to do with the couple's promises to each other. I sat through one of those types of weddings and wished I had not. No one knew what the couple was talking about and they even appeared to confuse each other. This is why people should never do drugs. The couple I spoke of broke up within two years and now hate one another.

A long-standing tradition says that wedding vows should be set by the minister. A more recent tradition states that it is good luck for the vows to be written by the bridesmaid for the bride and best man for the groom when the minister suggests the couple provide their own vows. Superstition says that parents should keep quiet during the ceremony accept for occasions when a father or mother is asked if he or she gives their daughter or son away to marry. Having a stand in for the bride's father is considered bad luck. I know of at least two weddings where both the parents refused to attend and both marriages later ended in divorce. I am sure there were other causes for those break ups, but why take the chance?

The Parent's Blessing

Finally, it is extremely good luck for the groom to be given the blessing of the bride's parents or parent. This goes back to Biblical teaching and tradition, and also happens to be a tradition that I think is essential for a long and happy marriage. That is just my opinion. I guess I have just seen too many couples torn apart by family influences and interference because someone had something against the groom (or the bride for that matter) to begin with and that remained a matter of contention until it caused an eventual break up and divorce . Only the strongest of couples can stand up to that kind of pressure, so I do not recommend ignoring this tradition. If worse comes to worse try to get on the good side of the family of the bride or groom well before you announce an engagement or wedding date.

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Source by William A. Edwards

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Death is often a subject in the works of many great authors. Some personify it and address it directly, others use it as a symbol of endings or the macabre, and still others use it as a general theme throughout. Regardless of how it is used, death is a common subject. Chaucer uses this subject, as well, but skillfully weaves all three characteristics together in one short story. In "The Pardoner's Tale" by Geoffrey Chaucer, the Pardoner portrays death as a character, symbolism, and a theme to support his sermons about sin.

Death is used as a theme throughout "The Pardoner's Tale." From the beginning, death is introduced when a funeral procession carrying a corpse goes by outside the tavern. The three rioters wonder who it is, and one asks a servant, "What cors is this that passeth heer forby" (668). The boy lets them know it is the body of one of their friends, slain by Death (672-677). The sudden death of the friend shows how even a man living high on life can die suddenly. Even an entire village can be wiped out as referenced in lines 686 through 688. No one is safe from eventually dying. A further reference to death in the story is from the old man the rioters come upon while searching. He wants to die, and dramatically claims he knocks on the earth, praying, "Leeve Mooder! Leet me in!" (731), but he still lives on despite his old age. The three young men continue on, and eventually succumb to death as well. From the corpse being carried by, to the final death of the three rioters, it is obvious that death eventually comes to all. Through the Pardoner's sermons, it seems he feels this statement is true due to the sins man allows himself to live.

The Pardoner interrupts his story with a sermon on the vices of gluttony, drunkenness, gambling, and swearing. In each, he continues the theme of death by alluding to it in regards to each sin. Gluttony is a sin of over indulgence, where the Pardoner focuses on gluttony of food. The stomach and meat are referenced in the sermon, supposedly in a quote of the apostle Paul: " 'Mete unto wombe and wombe eek unto mete: / God destroyen bothe,'" (522-523) stressing that both the stomach and meat are destroyed by God. Even before they are destroyed this way, "he that haunteth swiche delices / Is deed whil that he lyveth in tho vices," (547-548) meaning those that go to excess might as well be dead as long as they live that way. Connections to death are also made regarding drunkenness as the Pardoner tells about Attila the Hun and his death, saying he was found "Deyde in his sleepe with shame and dishonour, / Bledynge ay at his nose in dronkenesse" (579-580), so his excess of drinking led to his death. The references to death in regards to gambling and swearing are less intense, but still present by alluding to gambling being the "verray mooder" of several sins including manslaughter (591-593), and claims that "homycide" (657) is a " fruyt "(656) of swearing and false oaths. All these are warnings told by the Pardoner in The Canterbury Tales to his traveling campanions, supported by the actions of the young men in the story.

Just as the Pardoner warns of death in connection to these sins, the young men are warned repeatedly of the consequences of their actions in searching out Death. The barman tells them Death "in this contree al the peple sleeth" (676), letting them know that every killing is attributed to Death. No one in the country is excepted. The barman goes on to tell them he feels "it were necessarie / For to bewar of swich an adversarie" (681-682) and that "to been avysed greet wysdom it were, / Er that [Deeth] dide a man a dishonour" (690-691). All this is meant to encourage the rioters to be careful since Death can come to anyone, at any time, for Death is the greatest adversary and thief in all existence. This warning did not affect them, and they rode out. When they encounter the old man on the road and pester him to tell them where to find Death, he also warns them by beseeching, "God save yow" (766); he knows that since they have decided to find Death, only God can save them. Throughout this theme, Chaucer uses death also as symbolism in many ways.

Death is the end to all life, and the symbolism of death in "The Pardoner's Tale" represents endings, as well. Death symbolizes a fear of an early death which all people share. The servant questioned about the corpse says he was taught by his mother to "beth redy for to meete hym everemoore" (683), because one must always be prepared for death since it can come at any time. The corpse is a strong reminder of that and a direct symbol of unexpected death as he was "yslayn [that nyght] ./ For dronke as he sat on his bench upright" (673-674), dead while partying that very night, in the prime of life. His life and his drinking end by Death. Just as death ended his life, it is also a strong symbol for the end to the men's rioting. They leave the tavern to search out Death, just as many people will end their sinful habits when they know death will be coming soon. The difference here is the rioters are actually searching Death out instead of waiting. They end their search when they find the gold, "No lenger thanne after Deeth they soughte" (772), and forget their oath as their greed takes over. Not only does the end of their search represent the death of their oath, but they also find their own death once they end their search: "Thus ended been thise homycides two / And eek the false empoysonere also" (893-894). Death is truly a symbol of endings. Other than death being a symbol itself, there are several elements in the story that symbolize death, as well.

Objects or actions can be symbols of death, either in their significance to it or in their meanings. One direct symbol of death is the gold the rioters find under the oak tree. Not only does the old man tell them specifically they would find Death under that tree (765), but it also symbolizes greed, which the Pardoner expresses is the mother of manslaughter in his sermon on gambling, which can be considered an extension on greed for money or gold. Through this, the money is a symbol of the deaths soon coming to the three young men. The methods of death are also symbols for the sins they commit. One dies by the other two betraying and murdering him for the gold. This death is very appropriate as all three make an oath, "ech of us bicomen otheres brother" (698), to become brothers in their search for Death. When he decides to poison them so he can take all the gold for himself, he betrays his comrades. Satan considers this permission to toy with the man and make him suffer, "the feend foond hym in swich lyvynge / That he hadde leve hym to sorwe brynge" (847-848). Since he betrays in his life, he is killed by betrayal. The symbolism in the deaths of the other two is a different kind, explained by the Pardoner during his lecture on drunkenness, "For dronkenesse is verray sepulture" (558), meaning drunkenness is the true tomb. In the sermon, it is considered the true tomb of man's wit and discretion, but in the case of the two murderers, it becomes the cause of their death. They drink the win the first had poisoned to kill them and are thus killed by their love of wine. All three of these are symbols of death by being sins that cause death in spirit in the church's teachings, and death in body for the characters in the story. In clearly connecting the sins to death in his story, the Pardoner turns his tale into a parable encompassing all the sins he views as the most dangerous and least loved by God. Having such a strong example or symbol of how the sins and death are connected strengthens his claims in his sermons. The last symbol of death in "The Pardoner's Tale" is the old man himself.

The old man the rioters come by in the story is a direct personification of death. He tells the young men, "I knokke with my staf bothe erly and late" (730), describing how death is everywhere at all times. He never rests, day or night. He also says, "moot I han myn age stille, / as longe tyme as it is Goddes will" (725-726), explaining that he must keep his old age for as long as it is God's will for him to do so. Death is not in control of his own time, but merely continues on as God decrees for all time. He gives veiled references to the underworld when he claims the earth is his "moodres gate" (729). Someone doing the will of the underworld would claim the earth as his mother's door, which is opened up when a grave is dug to bury the dead. He even threatens the young men, suggesting they might not live as long as he has with a reference of, "if that ye so longe abyde" (747). After telling about himself, he begs leave to go about his way, claiming, "I moot go thider as I have to go" (749), because regardless of what is going on, he must go where he must go to do God's will . His speech is not lost completely on the young men, because they consider him connected with Death. They claim he is his spy (755) and say, "thou art oon of his assent / To sleen us yonge folk" (758-759), accusing him of being in league with Death to kill the young. The barman and servant boy had warned them that Death was a very powerful thief of lives, but they do not listen to such warnings, and so fail to recognize the entreaty for God to save them as a warning.

In the story, death is personified as a "privee theef men clepeth Deeth" (675), known to all as a powerful and sneaky thief of lives. The barman explains to the rioters that Death is powerful enough to claim an entire town, "Bothe man and womman, child and hyne and page" (688), but the young men refuse to listen. They set out to confront Death personally, thinking to avenge their friend and the townsfolk. They make the combined oath, "we wol sleen this false traytour, Deeth!" (699), and travel to find and kill Death. If they had been told simply that their friend had died of a heart attack, instead of being killed by a sneaky thief with a spear, they would not have set out to destroy such an all powerful thief. However, personifying death into a thief called Death that steals all lives in the country gives the rioters something to pursue in their drunken state. This personification and the resulting search, gives a more solid feeling to the concept of death. When a fact is ethereal in nature, many will dismiss it as though it is as inconsequential as it is insubstantial. In characterizing death as a real character, the Pardoner is making the subject substantial and more of a real threat to his companions. More people will prepare their lives and homes for thieves than for death. Making the two one and the same forces the companions to consider the consequences of ignoring death and the possibility of the end of their lives.

By portraying death as a theme, symbolism, and as a flesh and blood character, the Pardoner strengthens his arguments made in his sermons on sin and encourages his companions to consider preparations for death and avoidance of sin more carefully. His connections in the story back up his lectures. His reasoning for this is made apparent, if they were not already, when he ends his story and encourages the other pilgrims to come to him to pardon their sins "for a grote" (945), or for a groat which was a fourpenny coin. He reminds them that at any moment, any one of them might fall off his or her horse and break his or her neck. With that in mind, he tells them it is a good thing he is among them since he has his relics they may kiss for blessings, and pardons signed by the Pope himself (920-922). Having just told them a story about death and the sins that could lead to death, especially greed, he asks they open their purses to absolve themselves of sin through his pardons so they may die, if they die while on the pilgrimage, with a clean soul and a clear conscience. The host does not buy in to the Pardoner's trick, but tells him he will help him carry his relics so can "be shryned in an hogges toord" (955). Though it is an appropriate response to the Pardoner's attempt at selling his admittedly fake artifacts, it does not give appropriate tribute to the extent of finesse shown in the tale.

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Source by Alexis Holcomb